Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants you to spit your drink at the person sitting across from you and tell them it's because you were laughing at this.

   Just heard this guys phone ring at McD's, it said "Friend With Benefits Calling, Friend with Benefits Calling." I guess the chick had Health Insurance?

   Mick jaggers performance was so late in the evening because they had to wait for the sun to go down so he could rise from his coffin.

   Does the President get time and a half on Presidents Days?

   Someone needs to do a "Leave Charlie Sheen alone!" video on You Tube like that emo tween did for Brittney.

   Bruno mars is catching grenades and Taio Cruz is using dynamite, well it's obvious they've been playing COD..#blackops

   So Lindsey Lohan wants to go by one name now. I got one for her~~~Defendant

   Damn the government is about to shut down, radio active water in the sea, and the real kicker no NFL.... Yep, Nostradamus is laughing somewhere

   I love Hitchhiker's, they always give Me a Thumbs up Every time I pass by them

   Why is it that the only socially acceptable thing to scratch and sniff in public is a sticker?

   Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!

   Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Today, you're here. Coincidence?

   The only thing worse than repeating the same mistake, is repeating them with the same person

   I love doing Dishes! I love doing Dishes! I love doing Dishes!...*sigh* this "Psyching Yourself Out" theory is bull$hit!

   Shine on you crazy cubic zirconia.

   Most of the time, people don't need to be fixed, they simply need to be understood.

   FRIDAY......My second favorite F word

   Our society views heroine and alcohol overdose as a tragic accident, I call that suicide accomplished...

   Hey Bill, do you talk to your wife during sex..."Only if there is a phone handy!!"

   Okay. I've noticed you. Now go away.