Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can tell you the 5 most unappealing words in the English language... Used Hot Tub For Sale.

   "I should of gotten an A in English class". No, you shouldn't HAVE

   Monday is like a midget at a urinal...You have to be on your toes!!

   ¡¡¡ ʎɐʍʎuɐ ʎɐpɥʇɹıq ʎddɐɥ llǝʍ ˙pǝxıɟ ɹǝʇndɯoɔ ʎɯ ʇǝƃ ɐʇʇoƃ ı ʍou ʇnq ʇuǝsǝɹd ɐ noʎ ʇǝƃ oʇ ʎǝuoɯ ɐɹʇxǝ ǝɯos pɐɥ ı ˙ʎppnq ʎɹɹos

   Touch someone's hand and you make them smile. Touch their heart and you make them cry. Touch their @ss and you get hit with sexual assault charges.

   IF MYSPACE and FACEBOOK have taught me anything... It's that when I become rich and famous, dont let ANYONE touch whatever it was that brought me to that point.

   When I breakup with someone, I breakup with their photos, their phone numbers and their memories.

   You know they are definitely ugly when they have a car on their profile picture.

   Two men broke in Whoopi's house, She yelled Rape, They screamed no

   I hate the people that cover up their answers, Like c'mon.. Lets work together bro..

   Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling. It doesn't come with rules and regulations or terms and conditions. It just happens.

   Occupying Facebook...

   A relationship is like standing on wet cement..The longer you stand the more difficult is to leave & even if you leave, you leave your footprints behind.

   knows for a fact that the Miss Universe Pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth!

   Players are like the letter Q : A big zero with a small little tail....

   Jeez it's hot again...Today I've opted to wear my Dyson Air Multiplier around my neck!

   Thank you flies, for flying in my face, buzzing by my ears and vomiting on my food, but becoming invisible the moment I pick up the swatter

   Why would I trust the Gordon's fisherman? Bad things happen when you "trust" a man in a rain slicker. All he needs is a windowless van

   Why am I still single? Because humans are not monogamous by nature.

   not laughing at you--I'm laughing near you. And pointing. At you.