Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like toilet paper, your either on a roll or taking $hit from an a$$hole.

   There is a big difference between a boy and a girl when the sy "I went through a whole box of tissue watching a movie".

   I'm actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement.

   It would be a good day if one could afford to even shoot their Ak ;)

   My favorite part of Thanksgiving day is when I stuff the Bird. My wife enjoys it too but wishes I'd find another nickname for her lady parts.

   Its almost that time kids...Does everyone have their plungers ready?

   FUN PRANK: Purchase any item at a CVS,, and then toilet paper the whole store with your receipt...... TWICE

   I have to be on antibiotics for the next week for an infection. Meanwhile, my yogurt provides a daily dose of probiotics. Now the antibiotics and probiotics will be waging a 7 day Biotic War for control of my insides.

   Maury would be out of business had the polygraph never been invented.

   "Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

   If you're giving me directions, please don't confuse me by using words like north, south, east or west.

   Hip-hop sounds like my grandpa named it.

   Although 2016 was expected, Apple has announced the coming year will only be 2015s.

   I heard Steve Harvey is a presenter at the Oscars this year, maybe Leonardo Dicaprio can win one for a few minutes.

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   You can now buy booze at Starbucks. So apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off.

   For ten dollars I’ll engrave your status on a brick and throw it at you.

   You could have just said you weren't having sex, you didn't have to wear crocs.

   Nice try Sonic but I'm sure that the dude in the commercial isn't really trying to impress the ladies

   I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Scarlett Johansson" married. Or Jessica Alba Or Beyonce. Or Jennifer Aniston...