Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OMFG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Stop telling people I'm dead".

   why do people seem to care what beauty pagent contestants say? I can't see them winning a nobel prize

   Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It changes your blood type.

   My girlfriend left me because she was sick of my xbox puns. I guess we didn't really kinect.

   If my statuses offend you, please let me know so I can remedy the problem....by deleting you.

   I wish I could collect all the tears you made me cry... so I could DROWN you in them!!

   Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids...

   The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

   REALLY annoyed. I got asked to leave the supermarket for doing what one of their supid signs said: "Wet Floor." Bunch of retards.

   give me what I want, and no one gets hurt

   and then Buffy staked Edward. The end.

   Once I stole a game of Risk at Toys “R” Us. But that's me, I'm a risk taker.

   A week ago, I really hated people...today I just found out I was cooking them wrong ;)

   Like this status Ladies and I'll take you to see the Muppets Movie.

   says Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(

   Ever notice cops never say "Thanks for speeding and keeping us employed"? How rude. We do our part to keep jobs in America and they can't even say thanks. ;)

   I just finished putting up my Christmas lights...well actually all I had to do was turn them back on again, since they've been up all year anyway.

   Thanks jerry springer for making my life seem normal...

   "You're tall. Do you play basketball?" "You're short. Do you run under tables and kick people's shins?"