Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's almost as if Kanye West doesn't realize his girlfriend actually made and distributed p orn.

   I'm not an a$$hole, I just play one around stupid people.

   Its not enough to just be in a relationship, now you have to state what type too? FB is out of control!!! What the heck is a open domestic partnership? That's just pimping ....

   Any teenager who is anxious to run his or her own life is obviously too young to do it.

   The whole idea of a drug free workplace is funny, isn't it? I mean the workplace is why I need drugs in the first place.

   Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July

   Well if you didn't want alcohol at your one year sobriety party...shouldn't have invited me!

   Well the NFC East Division Champ will be decided next week when the Cowboys host the Eagles. This just in, Tony Romo already threw an interception!

   I'm fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.

   You call it “binge drinking” I call it “making up for lost time when I could have been drinking” drinking.

   No its not a nightmare. You are just married.

   lol no thanks,,, my tires rotate themselves every day

   iOS 8.0.1 is designed to get people to stop calling their friends to brag about owning the new iPhone.

   Be the reason someone sighs today.

   If it requires pants, its not happening today.

   I'd give five bucks to hear First lady Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel".

   I'm trying to figure out if those anti Trump Safety Pin wearing folks are also NRA advocates since Walter Hunt the inventor of the Safety Pin also invented the Multi Shot Repeating Rifle.

   I had so much Chinese food for breakfast I can barely wok

   What if nobody was president and we all promised real hard to just be cool

   A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.