Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bernie Sanders looks like the guy in disaster movies who knows whats coming but no one listens to cause his hair bad and he keep dropping his papers....

   On the next Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump picks his White House Cabinet.

   Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it's the stupid people who need it?

   My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

   The only time I'll ever need an intervention is if they name a beer after it.

   hope it isnt wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets.

   I am tired of being treated as a perfect piece of meat by woman. I am so tired of them only seeing the perfect man with unbelievable flawless features .......Try talking for once , bet you didn't even know I used to have a goldfish

   Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.

   My name is Brian but my friends call me when they need a favour.

   There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

   Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.

   It's almost as if Kanye West doesn't realize his girlfriend actually made and distributed p orn.

   I'm not an a$$hole, I just play one around stupid people.

   Its not enough to just be in a relationship, now you have to state what type too? FB is out of control!!! What the heck is a open domestic partnership? That's just pimping ....

   Any teenager who is anxious to run his or her own life is obviously too young to do it.

   The whole idea of a drug free workplace is funny, isn't it? I mean the workplace is why I need drugs in the first place.

   Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July

   Well if you didn't want alcohol at your one year sobriety party...shouldn't have invited me!

   Well the NFC East Division Champ will be decided next week when the Cowboys host the Eagles. This just in, Tony Romo already threw an interception!

   I'm fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.