Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks Starbucks should start selling a cup of "shut the _uck up" --grande size!

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   somedays I wake up b!tchy, other days I just let her sleep in.

   I'm just one tainted egg away from my goal weight…

   The best thing about this day? I haven't been fired. The worst thing about this day? I'm still working here.

   Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

   If Practice makes perfect, and no one is Perfect.. Why Practice ??

   We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.

   only 4 more days before you all make resolutions you won't keep anyway

   dont ask me about anything thats about to happen last year

   “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain

   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

   The most effective part of bringing my laptop to the coffee shop so I can "work" is the "lying to myself."

   not taking coupons from giant chickens anymore. Not after last time.

   I've just drank Gatorade.. still waiting to sweat colors...

   Urban Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

   When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead

   resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. We are facebook.

   I'm not breaking the rules ... I'm just testing their elasticity.

   I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.