Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a drinking problem...I can't afford it

   ‎"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." - Jason Jones

   wondering what Canadians do for fun between elections?

   Girls have a bad habit of holding on for too long. Guys have a bad habit of letting go too easily.

   When I was little, I wanted to be a UPS man when I grew up because they get to drive around all day with no doors. Now I'm really glad my car has doors.

   If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast

   If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

   Facebook: a book with more good looking people than the real world.

   I'm feeling just a little under the table this morning.....

   did not go to Jared. But did put my entire tax refund in my savings account again.

   I really don't feel like "occasionally" stirring this

   Even if you are not a zombie tomorrow, I'm still going out of my way to smash your face

   Sam and Dean stopped the rapture!

   Bank of America puts the "fun" in overfunded bailout money receivers.

   When one of us goes down, the rest of us need to come and pick that person up.

   Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can't wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie 5% - that's was a complete waste of money 85% - I gotta pee.

   Ask.com is useless.... they have no idea where I put the remote either.

   There is no point in fighting with an a$$hole. Trust me, they’ve had a lot more practice defending themselves than you.

   It must be nice for boring people, they can just think themselves to sleep.

   If you stole a cigarette from your dad and he made you smoke a whole pack while he watched, I hope he never caught you stealing a Playboy.