Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This, too, shall suck.

   Due to political correctness, "rapists" will now be called "unapproved lovers."

   Hey, To all of you folks planning to move to Canada because Trump won the Presidency....If you're an alcoholic and cannot mulitply by 10 we do not want you.

   I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa....Well I think it is a scam!!! Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving!!!!

   Good lord if you just have to reissue a 20 year old joke, at least get the punchline correct. It's Kareema Wheat, not Kareem of Wheat. God Almighty!

   Would it be smart for a department store to promise “we won’t check to see if you paid!” .... I wonder how long they would stay in business? .... Anyways, That's how the American Voter registration works.

   Now Falcons fans feel like Hillary supporters felt like on election night

   uh excuse me, I'm just here looking for the Democratic Restroom.

   Donald and Melania Trump reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms. That's a good idea, Melania's crying keeps Donald awake at night.

   The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

   6 year old: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that? 6 year old: Chick-fil-A

   Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say Moderna: ours is 195% Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

   Aman ; I couldn't find the thing that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had seen it .... apparently, she left me yesterday.

   Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

   *me filing for unemployment* Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours Me: so you’re only open 4 hours Unemployment Office: yes any other questions Me: yes how do I work at the unemployme

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

   NASCAR killed Dale Sr and Dale Jr just killed NASCAR.

   Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.

   If MSNBC wants to know where all the detained girls are, then should start by looking in Judge Moore's basement!

   Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.