Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ignorance begets overconfidence and it is harmful when these people are in positions of authority.

   if you see me eating salad in a restaurant, ive been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you

   There are a million different ways to say "I Love You": "Put your seat belt on", "Watch your step", "Did you eat?", "Get some rest". You just have to listen.

   Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.

   The police want to interview me. Strange....I didn't even apply for a job there.

   What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?...Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

   But have you tried Googling first before sharing these fake posts?

   " No way....?!?! I majored in liberal arts too...!!! Btw....would you like fries with that.....???"

   Don't say retarded, it offends retarded people and people that look for reasons to be offended.

   How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

   Nipples...Mother Nature's thermometer.

   Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

   The NBA Finals was a circus for LeBron, except a circus has three rings.

   I hate goodbyes. And hellos. And all the human interaction in between.

   My favorite in-laws are the ones that don't exist.

   Instead of moaning about how much your life sucks try getting drunk like normal people

   Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It's their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.

   You had me at "Do Not Resuscitate"

   I hate it when a couple starts kissing in front of you, and because you don't know what to do, you just join in with the kissing

   If she claims to be just one of the guys, compliment her mustache. If she laughs and buys you a beer, you, sir, have found a unicorn!