Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to political correctness, "rapists" will now be called "unapproved lovers."

   Hey, To all of you folks planning to move to Canada because Trump won the Presidency....If you're an alcoholic and cannot mulitply by 10 we do not want you.

   I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa....Well I think it is a scam!!! Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving!!!!

   Good lord if you just have to reissue a 20 year old joke, at least get the punchline correct. It's Kareema Wheat, not Kareem of Wheat. God Almighty!

   Would it be smart for a department store to promise “we won’t check to see if you paid!” .... I wonder how long they would stay in business? .... Anyways, That's how the American Voter registration works.

   Now Falcons fans feel like Hillary supporters felt like on election night

   uh excuse me, I'm just here looking for the Democratic Restroom.

   Donald and Melania Trump reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms. That's a good idea, Melania's crying keeps Donald awake at night.

   Thanks for bringing back a lot of classic diseases, anti-vaxxers!

   what number do I text my ten votes to??

   I'd only consider running at night because frankly I'd rather be found dead in a ditch than have anybody see me running.

   Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie

   I am as messed up as the alphabetical order on a keyboard.

   Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.

   It's not my fault….you had dimples.

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.

   There aren't choking warning labels on condoms but they have them on water balloons?

   My workout video is just a 15 minute clip of me dodging my boss around the office.