Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My hangover feels like someone is screaming at me in German.

   I wish instead of the stock market you could buy stock in famous people. This country is already obsessed with celebrities, we might as well have somethin to lose. Instead of hedge funds, you could buy families. I would totally buy Will Smith's family!

   I don't know about flavored vodkas, but I'm pretty sure tequila only comes in one flavor; “Bad Decisions”.

   If you are in a relationship, and you are not enjoying all the great things and benefits that come with a relationship, double check the meaning of a RELATIONSHIP.

   Something about the person(s) telling me to quit complaining about making some guy I've never met rich from my "free" social activities, makes me want to sock someone in the neck.

   Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you.

   Bluntception: A blunt inside of a blunt, takes 5minutes to roll & over an hour to smoke.

   It's okay ladies, I understand. If I did twice the work and got half the credit I'd go crazy too.

   Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.

   I bet your car doesn't make as many cool noises as mine!!

   Are we living blind or blindly living??

   wondering how the first prostate exam went..."hold on, you want to stick your finger where?!"

   Why don't guys ever suck at singing? It's either good enough or surprisingly great. Of the girls I know, maybe two are amazing, the rest of us sound like drunken seagulls, and there's always one who can only be described as a serial ear murderer.

   If my blood alcohol was Butler's shooting percentage, I could legally drive.

   wishes the movie concession stand would give her enough snacks to last after the trailers are over...

   Micheal C Hall just got done filming his 6 season of Dexter in Pakistan.coincidence?

   Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices..

   they search for years and spend millions of dollars looking for Osama, and where was he? At home hiding behind his wife!

   This just in... OJ Found not quilty... Oh wait...

   what number do I text my ten votes to??