Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Playing hide and go seek in walmart... I take mature and classy to whole new levels

   getting into shape; and the shape I have chosen is 'Circle'...all done. And I thought this getting into shape thing was going to be hard.

   glad to hear the penicillin worked. Better luck next time..

   Why do you sterilize needles for lethal injection?

   if ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

   Why do we say sorry even when they bumped into us? It's way funnier when people say "Excuse You" anyways.

   making underwater sculputures of his boss.....oh look, some sinkers some floaters!

   If I've learned anything from TV it's that kids will never be successful athletics or honor students unless I drive a minivan.

   It's recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there's a fraternity that I don't know about living somewhere in my house.

   The only people who complain about FB having to much drama...is the people who just got caught doing something they wasnt supposed to be doing

   Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep.

   so broke, the bank manager came and took the calendar back...

   You think not drinking sucks? Try being the only sober guy in a 3am game of Texas Hold 'Em!

   It is now legal to carry concealed weapons in church in Louisiana. I'm thinking that confession just got a LOT more interesting.

   You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.

   can't wait until Weight Watchers releases its own line of booze

   When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. "Sorry, can't control the funk."

   if you have trouble tying knots...handcuffs make the perfect gift

   It's not that I need a girlfirend its just that I was told I need some adult supervision. So getting a teenage sitters didn't qualify.

   thinks any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn't convenient at all.