Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?

   I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.

   I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

   Patrick on Facebook is complaining about how he hates the word "moist." He thinks it's "so gross." I'm willing to bet that Patrick also doesn't like pu$$y and is still a virgin.

   I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.

   Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary

   If your not going to remove that deer carcass from the side of the road can you at least turn his head so hes not looking at me while I drive by drinking my morning coffee!

   I remember when I first met her, she was all quiet, shy, innocent and reserved. But now...lets just say, I created a monster.

   Don't really care too much about the new fb update but is there a way to "subscribe" to positive only updates? Filter out the complainers, negative-nancys, shoe-taggers, and crybabies?

   This is just a reminder that your left leg and yo right leg are not at war. Please re-unite them.

   I had a great time fishing with my uncle until he looked up at me and said he's going to show me how to bone a fish.

   Do you want to speak to the man in charge or to the woman who knows what's going on?

   if you don't stand for something you will fall for anything

   How does the man in the moon cut his hair?.........Eclipse it!

   OK, Super Moon has arrived. Not quite what I expected ., it was kinda super. Not Super Duper but yeah.

   If a man tells you he deleted those pictures off is phone....he didn"t delete them.

   My girlfriend told me how shaving her before sex could be quite a turn on and give for a much smoother experience. She was wrong though, I found her bald head more of a turn off.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   I am a wizard with the ladies. Okay, well, I can make them disappear.

   How do you walk like an Egyptian in 2011? You don't. Running across streets, flipping cars, and setting fires are the prerequistes