Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Born to shop, not to mop.

   Prefers the days when bustin' a cap was followed by a puff smoke and putting a new red roll in.

   Harry Reid is a cotton head ninny muggin

   officially have CDO. It's like OCD but all the letters are alphabetical order. AS THEY SHOULD BE.

   Finally warm enough to wash Old Man winters "money shot" off my car.

   When giving that special person a gift you said cost $3,000 from Tiffanys, it's probably a good idea to take off the price tag that says $3.50 from Walmart.

   the first step to failing is trying

   To the assclown who was driving the Prius in front of me earlier: The interstate DOES NOT HAVE a left turn lane. Not sure why it took you 23 miles to figure this out....

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. I bet they'd wear fancy explosive underwear.

   Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good, but nothing ever changes.

   wishes there was an app that let you reach threw the computer and slap people..

   I called a company and heard "Baby got back" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Health insurance from a company that plays Sir Mix-a-lot?

   Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

   Do they call him Prime Minister because you can't divide him up into multiple smaller ministers?

   In a nudist camp, men and women freely air their differences.

   When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   ugh! my new facebook homepage looks like a mug shot photo album now!

   Lady luck is a wench. She only shows up when your winning.

   Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.

   smarter then the averige beare!! ...oh dangit, maybe not