Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your not going to remove that deer carcass from the side of the road can you at least turn his head so hes not looking at me while I drive by drinking my morning coffee!

   I remember when I first met her, she was all quiet, shy, innocent and reserved. But now...lets just say, I created a monster.

   Don't really care too much about the new fb update but is there a way to "subscribe" to positive only updates? Filter out the complainers, negative-nancys, shoe-taggers, and crybabies?

   This is just a reminder that your left leg and yo right leg are not at war. Please re-unite them.

   I had a great time fishing with my uncle until he looked up at me and said he's going to show me how to bone a fish.

   Do you want to speak to the man in charge or to the woman who knows what's going on?

   if you don't stand for something you will fall for anything

   How does the man in the moon cut his hair?.........Eclipse it!

   OK, Super Moon has arrived. Not quite what I expected ., it was kinda super. Not Super Duper but yeah.

   If a man tells you he deleted those pictures off is phone....he didn"t delete them.

   My girlfriend told me how shaving her before sex could be quite a turn on and give for a much smoother experience. She was wrong though, I found her bald head more of a turn off.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   I am a wizard with the ladies. Okay, well, I can make them disappear.

   How do you walk like an Egyptian in 2011? You don't. Running across streets, flipping cars, and setting fires are the prerequistes

   I'm was wondering, just what funky music WAS that white boy playing anyway?

   If you went to High School with your girlfriend's grandfather, you might be a Hugh Heffner.

   My hangover feels like someone is screaming at me in German.

   I wish instead of the stock market you could buy stock in famous people. This country is already obsessed with celebrities, we might as well have somethin to lose. Instead of hedge funds, you could buy families. I would totally buy Will Smith's family!

   I don't know about flavored vodkas, but I'm pretty sure tequila only comes in one flavor; “Bad Decisions”.

   If you are in a relationship, and you are not enjoying all the great things and benefits that come with a relationship, double check the meaning of a RELATIONSHIP.