Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not fat. My stomach is 3D

   Relationship status: DTF

   My wife said "what is wrong with you? You have recorded 17 episodes of Hoarders." I said "I know, don't you see the irony of it, I'm hoarding shows of Hoarding."

   I had a near-life experience...I nearly quit Facebook.

   I can't live without: ✔ Food ✔ Music ✔ Oxygen ✔ Water ✔ Internet ❒ You

   teens are getting drunk on Purell. But to be fair, it tastes better than Jagermeister.

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   That moment when you realize someone wasn't as great as you thought they were.

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire

   I LOVE my job!! Especially the part when I clock out and leave!!!

   Hey mom?” “WHAT!?” “Nevermind you`re not in a good mood.

   you know your cooking sucks when you gotta post todays menu on facebook for it to be appreciated.

   A bald Barbie? It's about time the drapes matched the carpet!

   can't figure out if that kid on American Idol is Milli or Vanilli?

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.

   Ad on side of Facebook: "Interested in a masters in Philosophy?". A degree in philosophy is about as useful as a condom in Susan Boyle's bedside drawer. No thank you.

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   I have more people on my block list than some of you have on your friends list. . .

   I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

   "If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS