Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting drunk and waking up in strange places is the only kind of vacation I can afford.

   I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground

   guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people

   A tongue has no bones but it’s really strong enough to break a heart.

   I’ll smash a jar on the floor before I’ll let a girl open a jar for me.

   Pretty soon, evolution will kick in and women will be born without a gag reflex.

   I dont know what it means, but this cougar just said she wants to hug my face with her thighs.

   "I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls

   Harry Potter and the Soul Crushing Responsibility of Adulthood.

   Does anyone know the recipe for 'I DON'T KNOW' because everybody in the house keeps telling me that when I ask them what they all want for dinner.....

   I don't want your girlfriend. No one wants your girlfriend... Thats why she's with you!

   By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.

   You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him, you are doing well enough.

   Putting your finger against someone's lips and saying "Shhhh.... Not another word." is super romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then of course,, you're a witch.

   Bill always chose someone over Hillary, so should you...

   The Patriots defensive coverage today is almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.

   There should be a Disney princess who lives in a ghetto... just to give hope to all the black girls out there

   At the end of the day, a man who identifies as a woman is still a man who identifies as a woman.

   ~ What makes a Man happy? Daughter on cover of Cosmo, Son on cover of Sports Illustrated, Mistress on the cover of Playboy & Wife on the missing persons list.