Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother told me that when I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year an a half.

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   One womans trash is...well, just trash! Women dont throw away things that have real value ;)

   I'd rather hear my parents describe how they have sex than hear a group of drunk chicks when their favorite song comes on.

   You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.

   Starbucks now sells coffee in a 32oz size, called a "trenta"... For those of you who feel like having diarrhea ALL day

   It's difficult to have a committed relationship with a schizophrenic. They're always seeing other people.

   Did you know that your nipples are lined up with your earlobes? :)

   Don't you hate it when you tell your kid "9 a clock time for bed" and they say " no it is only 8:58 "!!!

   That awesome moment when you notce you are much better looking than the idiot she is currently with. :0)

   I complimented this chick on her dress today but what I really meant was, you have an awesome rack.

   Earlier I tapped my foot twice to a song. Sometimes the dance just bursts right out of me.

   Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.

   Q. What is the real purpose of FOREPLAY? A. To make sure it's REALLY a woman.

   One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman, but I won’t letter!

   Reinforce your Ikea furniture and make yourself comfortable in mom’s basement for four more years, mi!!ennials. Bernies out!

   I don't know what bothers me most...Hillary's pantsuits, her voice, or that her d*ck is bigger than my boyfriend's.

   Bill always chose someone over Hillary, so should you...

   The Patriots defensive coverage today is almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.