Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pants are for people with something to hide.

   Just heard Yoga Pants are being re-designed to be less revealing. I'll be keeping an eye on that.

   The problem with the general public is that it's made up of people.

   Of all the people that ignore me... you're my favorite.

   Have a status,leave one..need a status take one!

   You can lose alot of money chasing women but you'll never lose women chasing money!!

   Vuvuzelas are high-pitched, annoying and everywhere: the Justin Bieber of sports.

   tired of reading statuses about octopus Paul. Bake him already!

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   I'm in line at "the dollar tree" and a woman grabs a pregnancy test from the "impulse buy" section at the register. Who see's this in line, and thinks..."hey, I could use this for a buck" Your thoughts? Concerns?

   Don't wear memorable shoes when you're going to take a dump in the grocery store bathroom.

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   to get what we've never had, we must do what we've never done!

   I'm already a fan of good times, beer, and women..Why would I want to become a fan of anything else?!

   "the always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver?" Bob Costas, you have crossed the threshold of being completely insufferable.

   Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.

   life is short. have a ball, better yet have two

   Never believe anything until it has been officially denied

   Attention all joined-at-the-hip couples: "Inseparable" and "Insufferable" sound alike for a reason.

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it like I told you to do it in the first place!