Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vuvuzelas are high-pitched, annoying and everywhere: the Justin Bieber of sports.

   tired of reading statuses about octopus Paul. Bake him already!

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   I'm in line at "the dollar tree" and a woman grabs a pregnancy test from the "impulse buy" section at the register. Who see's this in line, and thinks..."hey, I could use this for a buck" Your thoughts? Concerns?

   Don't wear memorable shoes when you're going to take a dump in the grocery store bathroom.

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   to get what we've never had, we must do what we've never done!

   I'm already a fan of good times, beer, and women..Why would I want to become a fan of anything else?!

   "the always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver?" Bob Costas, you have crossed the threshold of being completely insufferable.

   Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.

   life is short. have a ball, better yet have two

   Never believe anything until it has been officially denied

   Attention all joined-at-the-hip couples: "Inseparable" and "Insufferable" sound alike for a reason.

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it like I told you to do it in the first place!

   "Push for Power" at the Indy 500? Sounds like Mario Kart on the Wii. How long before Helio throws a little red turtle from his car to wipe out the guy in front of him?

   It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.

   planning to suprise the IRS next year by filing his 2010 Tax Return by sending a singing telegram.

   The pills I take to prevent hangovers never work, because they lure me into a false sense of security and I end up drinking more than modern science can handle.

   My train of thought is derailed.

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.