Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.

   Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.

   I think we have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

   Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...

   Women are strange creatures. My wife just told me that I needed to do some soul searching…..... so I Googled James Brown.

   Breaking news: Mail order brides from China are now up to 75% off!

   April Fools Day is a good day to confess your love to your crush. That way you can save face and say "April Fools!" if they reject you.

   I've got 2 tickets to paradise and it's closed due to Covid. FML

   Quaker Oats is retiring Aunt Jemima products after 130 years on the market due to an outcry of racism. Next up: The removal of Pillsbury mascot Poppin' Fresh, due to numerous complaints from short, chubby white guys.

   Went to Walmart today & y'all should've seen all the commotion. Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, and Uncle Ben were protesting, Texas Pete and Capt. Morgan were getting drunk, Little Debbie was working the corner, and Jimmy Dean was showing everybody his sa

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

   New study finds that everyone you disagree with is are stupid.

   The Mannaquin Challenge isn't new. Some of you have been standing around doing nothing your whole lives.....

   Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.

   Antarctica called. It wants it's weather back.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman who didn't get an answer to the question you didn't hear her ask from upstairs

   Generic Frosted Flakes are Oooooooookay!

   I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male”. Now it just says “it’s around here somewhere, just keep driving”.

   A man in a bar sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He says to her, "nice legs." She says "you realy think so?" The man says "oh yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now."