Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Auto correct is like having a 4 year old play mad-libs with your email.

   My neighbor tried...BUT it is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap!!

   Anyone knows at what time the End of the world will be on Saturday? I feel like I owe it to myself to have one nice meal before it starts

   If you're not wearing green right now, shuffle your feet on the carpet and touch the screen to receive your "virtual pinch".

   thinking of deleting her friends on facebook that get 300,000 or higher on Bejeweled Blitz.. that way I can finally be #1!

   Today I caught myself smiling... I was thinking of you... Don't flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   Hide your true colors and let people paint their picture of you.

   Looks like OPEC is up to their old tricks again....I had to cash in a few T-Bills and sell off a kidney to fill up my truck this morning!

   What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking!

   Picking out an appropiate outfit for a Rapture is so frustrating....and I don't even want to get into picking the right accesories...

   i dont mind walking past bushes alone on a dark night. What I do mind is when people start jumping out of them

   In the show "Get Out," you will see destinations you'll never go to hosted by women who will never sleep with you... in HD.

   I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.

   I'm so glad girls haven't figured out the power they wield just by greeting me with "Hey you."

   Lets extend a warm 'Welcome Back' to our Blackberry friends who were momentarily lost in the technology wilderness for the past 20 Hours.

   OK. Who was the genius that decided to call them Killer Whales and not Sea Pandas?

   For some people freedom is like spring animals seeing the light.

   A Dog Calls 911: 911: What's the emergency? Dog: My owner threw a ball but I can’t find it 911: Did you check his hand? Dog: Of course I checked his han—DANGIT!!!!!

   It's called "Independence Day" not "Dependence Day" for a reason

   Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...