Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Recipes are stupid. What the hell is 2 parts of water?

   Picking up women at Jenny Craig meetings can be easy and rewarding but you must carefully weigh your options.

   I'm feeling good, I guess that's because I haven't seen anybody today.

   Look, all I'm saying is, bears spend half of the year eating and the other half sleeping and they're doing alright.

   If she's easy to be around, you have been friend zoned...

   We have a good thing going here. Let's not ruin it by "talking."

   Dance like the photos not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it wont end up on Youtube!

   I often wonder if people think they are invisible when they're picking their nose while they drive, is there some kind of stealth button up there they press. . .

   I don't text you, Beer and Vodka does!

   I'm not full of hate. There's still room for a little more.

   Roger Clemens is coming back to baseball at age 50. Proof that if you work hard and live right you'll lose your roster spot to Clemens.

   Cold toilet seats are no joke.

   Well... It's taken 3 hours to glue a top hat & cane to this frog but still no "hello my baby, hello my honey" song & dance... Cartoons lie kids

   I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.

   My wife likes to whisper in my ear during intimacy. Things like,"Did you remember to record Grey's Anatomy?"

   We'd be the perfect couple, if you'd stop spraying my eyes with mace.

   wondering why hump day can't ever be as good as it sounds!!

   Apparently a happy wife is a drunk wife.

   I'll say it again. Nothing spooks me like when a cat walks into the room I'm in, looks at absolutely nothing, their hair stands up, they freak and take off leaving me wondering what the hell I'm in the room with that I can't see.

   I followed my heart and now I have multiple restraining orders. B itches..