Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm already a fan of good times, beer, and women..Why would I want to become a fan of anything else?!

   "the always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver?" Bob Costas, you have crossed the threshold of being completely insufferable.

   to all the grandparents that told your kids I hope your kids are as bad as you... well played!

   I know you people can't think everyone that messages you is a bouquet of roses. C'mon...tell people what you REALLY think of them. THAT would be more interesting to read!

   planning to suprise the IRS next year by filing his 2010 Tax Return by sending a singing telegram.

   The pills I take to prevent hangovers never work, because they lure me into a false sense of security and I end up drinking more than modern science can handle.

   My train of thought is derailed.

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.

   thinks whoever invented new year resolutions would have sworn every year that he wished he hadn't...

   I wonder if Santa's "list" goes from 12/25-12/25, or does the new list start on January 1st? I think we have a few days to be bad that aren't on record...

   Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.

   life is short. have a ball, better yet have two

   Never believe anything until it has been officially denied

   Attention all joined-at-the-hip couples: "Inseparable" and "Insufferable" sound alike for a reason.

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it like I told you to do it in the first place!

   "Push for Power" at the Indy 500? Sounds like Mario Kart on the Wii. How long before Helio throws a little red turtle from his car to wipe out the guy in front of him?

   It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.

   For some reason when I look at you, the alt+f4 button appear... Somehow I wonder

   I think tonight I'm gonna work on my grammar... Gonna see if I can get drunk enough to type in cursive...

   that was one of the longest games of hide-and-go-seek ever.