Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "No big lifestyle change for Lindsay Lohan. She'll still be hanging around the bars"

   Women spend 2% of their lives trying to figure out where bruises on their legs came from

   Can't get over the irony that they actually serve milk at "Hooters"

   can't stop sneezing because I'm allergic to your BS....

   they say eating fish makes you smarter, but the only ones you eat are the ones dumb enough to get caught

   says - just when you think all your ducks are in a row, someone comes along and shoots one of them

   All you get when you pick my pocket is practice...

   I'm perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, sure of my insecurities, absolute chaos...a beautiful disaster.

   Remember, A hard punch can often be used as a secret weapon to secure victory in an intellectual debate.

   If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking, debauchery or cursing, then it involves less of me.

   just spent my Saturday watching commercials on AMC interupted by 10 minutes segments of movie..

   You're 10 years old and have a laptop, iPod and BlackBerry. Dude when I was 10 I had pokemon cards.

   "The mistakes of the past don't define you... they refine you."

   without a doubt the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.

   ‎7-11 is developing a new wine.. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness

   you cant drink all day if you dont start in the morning

   Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters

   What's another word for word?

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."