Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, in order to get a clearer picture of things, you must take a few steps back.

   Making love is like making pancakes. When done on one side, flip over to finish.

   Where did you learn how to whisper? In a damn helicopter? Geeez

   Making love is an art form and there is always some guy who doesn't know how to use his paintbrush. And there is always some girl whose canvas has had one too many brushstrokes.

   vodka does for me what spinach does for Popeye.

   My G.P.S...Does not know ..how to get to Sesame Street,,,??

   Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

   Problem: Always get stuck next to obnoxious drunk guy on plane. Solution: Be obnoxious drunk guy on plane.

   you can add "Found and killed Bin Laden" to the list of things that have happened since the Cubs last won the World Series!!!

   Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

   I'm going back to traffic school to get my Masters.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

   with all the engineers trying to stop the leak in the gulf, has anyone tried to contact someone with some basic plumbing skills???

   HATES that the Gulf of Mexico has been BPeed on.

   Dear Life, You have some explaining to do...

   The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

   thinks that if Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga had a baby, it would look like Chuky.

   thinks it's obvious that a guy created google...i'm feeling lucky?

   ust once I wanna see one of these food network hosts taste their dish they just made and freak out and say how horrible it tastes. Just once!

   thinks Christmas must be near. Just found a partridge in one of the pear trees on Farmtown