Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook, how could you choose your toys over me! I HOPE YOUR BATTERIES DIE! >:(

   What's the definition of a missed opportunity? Not introducing Michael Jackson to Justin bieber before he died.

   My wife and I have sex DOGGY STYLE..... I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead!

   BF slid his hand in my panties & thinks I'm instantly turned on but I don't have the heart to tell him I sneezed earlier & peed myself a bit

   "when I made the dress I used gold and white fabric" - Brian Williams

   Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in: I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

   Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check. Hope we're even

   Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.

   My personal workout routine would include jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck & carrying too much weight on my shoulders.

   makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?

   Sorry, but I prefer the 8lb, 6 oz prince who wrote "When Doves Cry."

   The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters. So Trump can’t tweet it.

   If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

   if love is blind,how does it happen at 1st sight???

   thinking about building a house made of unopened Bud Light cans and bottles....[The commercial inspired me]

   -- I come from a long line of Conga dancers.....

   My Girlfriend told me to help her find a job that shows off her best qualities. I got her an application for Subway.

   find that job you love and never work a day in your life

   - My wife said she is going to leave me if I dont stop my bad habbits. I nearly choked on my toe nail.