Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when women don't have any pictures showing how her butt looks. How else am I going to know if I want to talk to you?

   not a complete idiot, some pieces are missing!

   I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.

   BF slid his hand in my panties & thinks I'm instantly turned on but I don't have the heart to tell him I sneezed earlier & peed myself a bit

   "when I made the dress I used gold and white fabric" - Brian Williams

   just passed a Leopluradon on his/her way to Candy Mountain

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook, how could you choose your toys over me! I HOPE YOUR BATTERIES DIE! >:(

   What's the definition of a missed opportunity? Not introducing Michael Jackson to Justin bieber before he died.

   My wife and I have sex DOGGY STYLE..... I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead!

   Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in: I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

   Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.

   Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check. Hope we're even

   Hey, don't worry the 'too young' dude got himself a new helmet. He'll be ok once it loosens up

   I was gonna buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?

   Don't do drugs kids. There is a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   reminded my buddy to let his faucet drip...forgot he had gonorrhea...another awkward moment brought to you by STD's...

   thinks my doctor's waiting room needs some music... and better lighting... and more women... and a pole in the middle of the room... and a buffet.

   A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That`s because they are usually dead by age 40

   When I go to Mexican restaurants I order a glass of water, eat all of the chips and salsa and walk out without paying.