Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your girlfriend doesn’t like that bi&ch, you don’t talk to that bi&ch.

   Not all of us are looking for masturbation, d*ck, or p*ssy jokes.

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   I hope no babies were killed at the Planed Parenthood shooting

   Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings.

   I brush after every meal.And the Dentist says my hair looks lovely.

   'Kidnapping' is such a strong word. I prefer to think of it as 'surprise adoption

   When buying a new flat screen T.V, always remember to put the box in the neighbor's trash can so you don't get robbed.

   Real men don't wear pink,,,,,,,,,,,they eat it.

   only here while supplies last

   An apple fan walks into a bar.. Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more..

   The strangest thing about Obama's birth certificate is that it lists Joe Biden as a witness to his birth. Other than that, it appears fine........

   Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mu-FASA

   Got kicked out of another restaurant this afternoon for breast feeding. Hey - when my husband wants titty, he wants titty.....

   It's amazing how dudes can take care of Jordan's, but can't take care of a woman.

   When asked about ISIS yesterday, Obama said, "We will double our efforts..." Hmmm... If my math is correct... Nothing x Nothing is still Nothing!

   I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.

   I hate when women don't have any pictures showing how her butt looks. How else am I going to know if I want to talk to you?

   not a complete idiot, some pieces are missing!

   just passed a Leopluradon on his/her way to Candy Mountain