Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if butterflies get humans in their stomach when they're anxious?

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   I miss the 1980s when cell phones were big enough to cover your face if you saw someone you knew walking toward you.

   Don't be alarmed if you see a man with his arm up a horses a$$ in Amish Country, He's just their mechanic

   One way to piss a Twilight fan off is to plainly tell them it's about a Sick Girl struggling to choose between her fetish for the dead and her weird thing for animals.

   If there ever was an area in desperate need of a good douching, it was NYC & Jersey. Thank you Irene.

   Before asking someone why they hate you, slap and ask yourself why you even care.

   BBC have just announced that Gaddafi may have slipped in to Jordan. .......Has that woman no shame?

   Ever notice how the most tattooed guy everywhere you go is the one thats always broke?

   called in sick today. Manager asked why? Doctor said I have Anal Blindness. Manager asked what's that? It's where I can't see my ass coming in to work today!

   If you saw me in the back of a police car, what would you assume put me there?

   *WARNING* My caffeine level is dangerously LOW! Approach at your own risk! (this has been a public service announcement)

   If everyday is a gift, then where's her reciept. She would like to exchange Monday for Satruday

   I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

   People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.

   My internet goes down more than my girlfriend.......How sad!!

   Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone

   I hate Mondays more than a midget hates getting a Yo-Yo for Christmas.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro's neck.

   My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.