Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids...

   I used to live in a residential building until a few hookers moved in on the 3rd floor - now it's a commercial building...

   OUCH! Why does a papercut always have to feel like a gunshot wound!?!

   got a Black-Belt in Crazy!

   "Silence is Another name for my Pain."

   I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

   Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first.

   Not a good idea to Text/tweet and walk at the same time. Trust me, the pole is closer than you think...

   I want to donkey punch ignorant people

   Right now I'm sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass

   thankful for the makers of Lysol

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think...

   Paris Hilton thanks fans for their support following cocaine arrest. In other breaking news: Paris Hilton has fans?!

   just found out that the next Hannah Montana will be played by Justin Bieber!

   Sometimes life just needs a good, hard CTRL ALT DELETE.

   I never read and will never read your 55 page terms of use. I will always agree, so stop asking me to confirm that I read it.

   It takes a special kind of crazy to marry a divorce lawyer.

   ....so next time your in Home Depot or Menards buying somthing BIG... like a couple sheets of plywood or something....with a straight face.... ask them if you can get some help putting the items in your Smartcar...the look is priceless

   thinks he knows why Chloe Kardashian and Chewbacca have never been seen in the same room together...

   thought he saw a ninja while driving home today - turned out to be just a light pole...or was it?