Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought Pacific Rim was when an asian guy licks your ass. And that's why I would like to get a refund for my movie ticket.

   [first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

   if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

   not lazy, he's just phsycially conservative.

   Dear Me, You are the sexiest thing to walk this Earth! Love, Me

   Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars, wondering how long before we see Banging with a Porn Star!!

   Just saw a girl in a regular wheelchair holding onto her boyfriend's motorized wheelchair. Dude, she's totally using you!!

   Harold camping: turning the world atheist, 1 bogus prediction at a time

   Hygiene Tips: 1.Don't 2.Smell 3.Like 4.Sh!t

   A Jehovah witness came to the door and said can I come in to the chat. So we sat down and I said what do you want to talk about to which he replied beat the heck out of me I have never gotten this far

   On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

   Qhaddafi has vowed to defeat the NATO forces. In support of his troops, he has issued them state of the art sling shots and water pistols.

   Travel Tip: Don't fly on Southwest, unless you like your airplanes with sunroofs........

   Marriage: finding that special someone you want to annoy the rest of your life

   When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

   Lady Gaga is really Marilyn Manson after 10 years of hormone therapy

   the only time "looks aren't everything" is when your credit score is higher than 720

   We're both fiction, you're too good to be true, and I don't exist to you.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   Hell no I don't use a Loofah in the shower....I use a Man-Sponge!!...There's a difference lol