Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Harold camping: turning the world atheist, 1 bogus prediction at a time

   Hygiene Tips: 1.Don't 2.Smell 3.Like 4.Sh!t

   A Jehovah witness came to the door and said can I come in to the chat. So we sat down and I said what do you want to talk about to which he replied beat the heck out of me I have never gotten this far

   On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

   Qhaddafi has vowed to defeat the NATO forces. In support of his troops, he has issued them state of the art sling shots and water pistols.

   Travel Tip: Don't fly on Southwest, unless you like your airplanes with sunroofs........

   Marriage: finding that special someone you want to annoy the rest of your life

   When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

   Lady Gaga is really Marilyn Manson after 10 years of hormone therapy

   the only time "looks aren't everything" is when your credit score is higher than 720

   We're both fiction, you're too good to be true, and I don't exist to you.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   Hell no I don't use a Loofah in the shower....I use a Man-Sponge!!...There's a difference lol

   Be a good listener, your ears will never get you in trouble

   Dr. Jack Kevorkian can finally get those pesky patient opinion surveys filled out!

   Brett Favre & Congressman Weiner gave new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   I bet it takes a female kangaroo forever to find anything in her pouch.

   I would jump in front of train for you ♥ as long as its not moving :D

   : Imagine the great things in a person's character you would miss out on if you limited yourself to a list of things you are looking for in a person.

   Heart breaks are like a broken mirror, you can still put the pieces together, but the cracks will still remain.