Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've even started lying about my age on the treadmill at the gym.

   I think during every government shut-down, we should declare a Purge, just like in the movie.

   I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

   Boss: You're on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.

   If I cut you off and didn't tell you why. That means I lost all respect for you and you don't even deserve an explanation.

   I'd play more video games if I didn't have a fully functioning pen*s.

   You can make my whole day just by not being part of it ..

   Where is the ãdmįn when you need one

   Why is it called ''beauty sleep'' when you wake up looking like a troll??

   I had so much no sex last night.

   I think Ceelo Green released the Ray Rice tape

   in my opinion, a camel's back seems like a very inefficient way to transport straws,,, but I might be a bit biased here.

   So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.

   Remember when you had an appointment and got to leave during the middle of school, it was so triumphant like "Haha bye you f*ckers, I'm going to get my teeth cleaned and then eat McDonalds. Where you at?!?!"...

   Females are simple bro: With them, Yes means Yes, & No means Yes, & No means No, & No means Maybe, but Maybe means Yes, and Maybe means No.....

   "My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.

   Subway: Satisfy your Valentine with a footlong.

   You know you're getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

   10 year olds these days running around with their iPhones... When I was 10, I was listening to Aqua on my Walkman while struggling to keep my 2 tamagotchis alive. The struggle was so real!

   I think fire safety courses should require having to do the Safety Dance.