Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That truck driver just double bogeyed that par 2 parking spot.

   cab companies, do you want to make the experience more enjoyable for your customers? Please install Glade air fresheners with a spray frequency of 5 seconds. Its unfair that we should pay to endure Parapithecus's BO.

   I get ignored so much my name should be terms and conditions.

   I'd really love to see you tonight....no, really.....leave your blinds open!

   We should start all over again and accept only people who know the difference between ''your'' and ''you're''.

   Adulthood is looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.

   You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink.

   I bought a rug from IKEA that ended up being just a needle and 50 lbs. of thread.

   I told my wife I wanted a threesome, and now there is a pizza in my bed. Its stuff like that that got her wifed.

   My dinner just consited of beer and trail mix. Being an adult isn't for everyone.

   I am passive aggressive, mostly to myself, but I think I can wait it out and it will get better.

   Real frogs call him Kermit the Fraud.

   My wife asking me to do the first half of the kids' bedtime,,, is like asking me to shake up a can of soda before handing it to her...

   I'm starting to believe my toddler's loudest toys are powered by my favorite TV shows.

   That kid looks ALOT like me.... Somebody should warn him.

   I wonder what Rick Astley is going to give up for Lent?

   Don't forget to tell someone you miss them just because you're horny today

   I wish moths and I didn't have the same taste in shirts.

   No, I don't want extra butter on my popcorn. I'm a boring idiot that hates happiness.

   I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.