Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free

   any1 know how to turn your body clock off?? this is just gettin ridiculous at this stage

   "You can add 'Find & kill Osama' to the list of things that happened since Cubs last won World Series."

   Are you ready, boots? Okay, well, let me know when you're ready.

   Why do they report power outages on TV?

   Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.

   I've realized the older women get, the more likely they are to have a tissue or a bandaid when I needs one.

   Getting a girl off is like a game of Marco Polo. The louder she gets, the closer you are. Wandering in the other direction is just counterproductive.

   misses the way things were and is running out of ideas on how to get it back

   Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other coworkers" and I circled "absolutely false"?

   "Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

   I said I would never watch another 3-D movie after watching "Dirk Diggler" in Boogie Nights 3-D but Toy Story 3 kicked ass!

   you know you're getting old when your toilet paper supply starts to take up an entire closet!!!!

   wants a full-body scan AND a pat-down! Mmmmm...

   It's tough to judge nonverbal cues from someone with an eyepatch. Did that pirate just wink at me or are they blinking?"

   Turning on Parental Control...restricting my wireless network so my mother cannot go on Facebook at certain times.

   hopeful that science will soon bring us the miracle of birth control infused vodka. Hope springs eternal.

   I love it when the one actually insane person in the office says, "call me crazy, but.." Because we totally DO!

   They say behind every successful man is a woman. So whoever you are, come out here where I can see your face!