Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.

   I've realized the older women get, the more likely they are to have a tissue or a bandaid when I needs one.

   Getting a girl off is like a game of Marco Polo. The louder she gets, the closer you are. Wandering in the other direction is just counterproductive.

   "Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

   I said I would never watch another 3-D movie after watching "Dirk Diggler" in Boogie Nights 3-D but Toy Story 3 kicked ass!

   hopeful that science will soon bring us the miracle of birth control infused vodka. Hope springs eternal.

   I love it when the one actually insane person in the office says, "call me crazy, but.." Because we totally DO!

   They say behind every successful man is a woman. So whoever you are, come out here where I can see your face!

   That truck driver just double bogeyed that par 2 parking spot.

   cab companies, do you want to make the experience more enjoyable for your customers? Please install Glade air fresheners with a spray frequency of 5 seconds. Its unfair that we should pay to endure Parapithecus's BO.

   you know you're getting old when your toilet paper supply starts to take up an entire closet!!!!

   wants a full-body scan AND a pat-down! Mmmmm...

   It's tough to judge nonverbal cues from someone with an eyepatch. Did that pirate just wink at me or are they blinking?"

   misses the way things were and is running out of ideas on how to get it back

   Turning on Parental Control...restricting my wireless network so my mother cannot go on Facebook at certain times.

   I get ignored so much my name should be terms and conditions.

   I'd really love to see you tonight....no, really.....leave your blinds open!

   We should start all over again and accept only people who know the difference between ''your'' and ''you're''.

   Adulthood is looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.