Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy

   Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.

   Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.

   The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.

   4 out of 3 people struggle with math

   People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night are burning the Kindle at both ends.

   Heard O.J. is gonna give another stab at marriage...

   When I was a kid, my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.

   What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.

   i guess Trump is now the apprentice.

   FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.

   $60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.