Funny Status Messages

   Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden.

   A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I think its nuts.

   Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

   You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.

   It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.

   The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.

   Survival rule #1: You go first.

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it

   I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.

   Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.

   Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..

   You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight

   Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???