Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would shoot you, but why end your misery.

   Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

   standing in line at Target and just received a dirty look from the woman in front of him, after he started dancing to her obnoxiously loud "Sex and The City"-theme ringtone.

   Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

   wishing I could hit CTL ± ALT ± DEL ± and start today all over!!!

   just came to the conclusion that 50% of the poeople on my facebook page are nothing but virtual stalkers!!!!!

   A thousand words are worth a picture, and they load a heck of a lot faster.

   dirty litte mind is on Active Duty today

   How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   The hardest part about business is minding your own.

   My cellphone is mixing people up (surprise this would only happen to me) So if you get a picture of my left tit..apoligies in advance!!

   If it ain't broke, ask it for five dollars.

   If somebody ever stole my identity, I'm pretty sure they'd give it right back.

   I don't understand the Starbucks ordering language.

   Did you know..... your middle toe is a radar detector for chair legs??!

   a super hero, with NO powers of motivation.

   BREAKING NEWS: Entire Kardashian Family Diagnosed With "Attention Surplus Disorder".

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   A penny saved is just stupid, honestly what am I gonna get with it. Beside splurging on a tootsie roll.

   been spendin' most his life livin' in a gangsta paradise...