Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever named them "sugar cookies" could've tried a little harder.

   It's social media. Not "I'm a thirsty, gender confused, angry, whiney cry baby" media.

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after

   Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don't go outside.

   I can't wait until having babies goes out of fashion

   Damn it...... I've been eating Thin Mints like crazy and haven't lost a freakin pound?

   I love it when I open the dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat .

   Based on the obnoxious, drunk girl laughter coming from the car in front of me at the drive-thru, pretty sure that guy gets laid tonight.

   Beauty, brains or emotionally stable. You only get 2 guys so choose wisely!!

   I'm way too horny to be this unattractive.

   Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day as a toast to the great life I've lived. I finish the bottle for other reasons.

   Nothing!!!!! ~ Women who are FINE

   A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

   Be the reason she gets that 8th cat.

   therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....

   My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music

   I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.

   Easter this Sunday....The one day where I can say "I am putting all my EGGS in one basket!

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion