Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not sure who complains more, Hillary or LeBron.

   If I die at the gym while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911.

   If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?

   Take it to the next level. Fire and Fury audiobook narrated by Hillary Clinton.

   I have an irrational fear of Disco Music. It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.

   .Don't mean to brag but I saw the Solar Eclipse today. Went outside, closed my eyes & BAM! Solar Eclipse.....

   Ironically, the mullet was probably created to STOP necks from getting red.

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after

   Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don't go outside.

   I can't wait until having babies goes out of fashion

   Damn it...... I've been eating Thin Mints like crazy and haven't lost a freakin pound?

   I love it when I open the dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat .

   Based on the obnoxious, drunk girl laughter coming from the car in front of me at the drive-thru, pretty sure that guy gets laid tonight.

   Beauty, brains or emotionally stable. You only get 2 guys so choose wisely!!

   I'm way too horny to be this unattractive.

   Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day as a toast to the great life I've lived. I finish the bottle for other reasons.

   Nothing!!!!! ~ Women who are FINE

   A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

   Be the reason she gets that 8th cat.