Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!!

   I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   If its okay for girls to wear sweatpants written JUICY on the back, then it should be okay for me to have MEATY written on the front of mine.

   Son: "Dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Dad: "Ask your sister." Son: "But I don't have a..."

   I cant wait till Obamas not president anymore so that we can all complain about the next president.

   I'll bet your Facebook relationship status would be a lot less complicated if you let him stick it in your ass.

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   Sticking ANY kind of bumper sticker on your car is a great way to let people know you're a moron.

   Valentines advance: If she went to the party, watched the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you, then washed the dishes, cleaned up home, did laundry, washed your car and cooked the dinner… then she is definitely a Valentine material!

   Coming soon this decade, GREAT DEPRESSION 2. Starring the U.S. Citizens. Produced by NWO. Directed by "The Ones Who Run This Country". This event is rated EF for Everybody's F*cked.

   How is LIL WAYNE, a man with a wife, ex-wife, 5 baby mommas, 3 boos, 2 hoes an a partridge in a pear tree, gonna tell me how to love.

   anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?

   I just got a new high score at Dishwasher Tetris!

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment? ;)

   So who's going to give up Facebook for Lent? Now there's a sacrifice. ;)

   When I die, I want to buried with an elephant bone. Just to screw with future archiologists.

   If it aint broken dont fix it. Now why did Facebook people have to mess with the CHAT?

   Plan worked perfectly last night! Reindeer BBQ at my place tonight anyone?

   You know Ive never understood those 1-900 numbers...It seems strange to me to pay to hear a woman's crazy talk on the phone for hours...Im gonna come up with my own 1-900 number where you pay a woman to just be quite for awhile...

   Does PETA think all animals die a natural death, with hospice care, surrounded by family keeping vigil until passing quietly into the night?