Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.

   just got a papercut… we'll just see if I recycle this week… stupid tree

   One of the great things about looking so good is that I never have to explain why you should f*ck me.

   • When dealing with women, puppy eyes will get you just about everything. Actual puppies will get you even more.

   So, I see they have a gypsy in the new Big Brother house. Good luck trying to evict that!

   Why is it when women are on their "that time of month" do they have to feel like they have to fly around the room on a broom and beat you with it??

   I love being called silly, strange, weird, different, odd, etc. I always take it as a compliment.

   Well, I guess Twinkies don't last forever.

   You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.

   I was really counting on winning the Powerball. I was also counting on getting run over by a bus driven by a bear.

   Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face simply because their laugh is so annoying?? Or is it just me?

   One time I was stranded on a kitchen island for 4 years. It was delicious.

   Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

   The fact that hot divorced women exist is proof they all have some crazy in them...

   Okay, Earth Day is over, we can start f**king up the planet again........

   For the price of a one year membership to the gym, I can replace my entire wardrobe with larger clothes

   I put the ass in passionate.

   Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?

   I didn't reply to your text because I never got it. I also didn't like some of the things it said.

   one thing the I learn from the The Fast and the Furious movies is there is not enough cops in L.A, Miami, Tokyo and Brazil and there is no fat girls Either