Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dec 24th , Christmas Eve , the most exciting day of the year no matter how old you are .......

   Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because it's their national bird.

   Just went to the kitchen for water and came back up without it. Now I have to go back to the kitchen.

   Ahhh.. Time for bed. The only time where I don't worry about anything other than total relaxation.. Pffff.. Jk I lay their for 30 mins then masturbate.

   wondering when will he ever learn the answer to lifes problems arent at the bottom of a bottle, theyre on facebook!!!!!

   "If I had a Son, he would look like George Zimmerman." -Cher

   D.A.R.E. ... Drugs Are Really Expensive...

   So...Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, and Ben Rothelisberger walk into a bar........

   Bought my dog a cell phone today...it was a good deal...she gets free roll over minutes =)

   Today, at Starbucks, when the lady asked for my name, I told her "Voldemort". When the guy called out the name for pick-up, he said, "VOL...uhhh...'He Who Must Not Be Named'".

   a new postage stamp shaped like a vAjAy was introduced yesterday but it's not selling well cos only 5% of men know how 2 lick it properly!

   I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!"

   What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of sperm and makes women scream? The sock under my bed.

   Music is like candy. Throw away the rappers.

   Has anyone else noticed that Miley Cyrus looks an awful lot like Hannah Montana?

   I cant wait till April 7th of this year!!! "Oh thank heaven 4-7-11"

   I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken's booty and think..."I'm gonna eat that!"

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. :)))

   my girlfriend sucks........Thank God!!!

   Wake and Bake, that's the only way to enjoy a Sunday.