Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I'm going to drink tonight.

   when someone asks me how to get in shape before summer. My response will be, start 6 months ago

   To do list: Cancel date with Hope Solo.

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”

   What's the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A puppy will eventually open its eyes and stop whining.

   NOT the father!

   applied for job at AIG, I heard they get paid!

   Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.... it`s called "TRYDIXAGAIN

   Dec 24th , Christmas Eve , the most exciting day of the year no matter how old you are .......

   Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because it's their national bird.

   Just went to the kitchen for water and came back up without it. Now I have to go back to the kitchen.

   Ahhh.. Time for bed. The only time where I don't worry about anything other than total relaxation.. Pffff.. Jk I lay their for 30 mins then masturbate.

   wondering when will he ever learn the answer to lifes problems arent at the bottom of a bottle, theyre on facebook!!!!!

   "If I had a Son, he would look like George Zimmerman." -Cher

   D.A.R.E. ... Drugs Are Really Expensive...

   Bought my dog a cell phone today...it was a good deal...she gets free roll over minutes =)

   So...Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, and Ben Rothelisberger walk into a bar........

   Today, at Starbucks, when the lady asked for my name, I told her "Voldemort". When the guy called out the name for pick-up, he said, "VOL...uhhh...'He Who Must Not Be Named'".

   a new postage stamp shaped like a vAjAy was introduced yesterday but it's not selling well cos only 5% of men know how 2 lick it properly!

   I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!"