Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   319 million people in the US and somehow after an exhaustive search we ended up with Trump and Hillary! So .... I guess if you want a leader that is full of corruption and deceit you know which one to vote for. Or vote for the other one.

   Hey parents: I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.

   Hmmmmmm ..... One says nasty words ........ The other does Nasty things. I wonder which one would hurt you most.

   Hey I got a novel idea, if it takes 14 days Coronavirus to start showing symptoms how about we all stay at home for 14 days!

   Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?

   Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

   The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

   Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.

   it OK to cut in front of someone wearing all Camouflage?

   How to make your own holy water. Step1 take a 2qt pot and fill with water. Step 2 place on burner. Step 3 turn burner on high. Step 4 boil the hell out of the water.

   With the gas price so high, it's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere

   I went to view a house on a Native American reservation! "I like it" I said "Does it come with running water?" "Go to Hell Paleface" He replied.."Get your own wife!"

   I think my car needs wheel alignment because it’s keeps going towards the liquor store

   Breaking: Elmo taking over as the "special teams" coach at Penn. State!

   Last night I sprayed under my kitchen sink for roaches with this cheap Chinese-made insect killer. Not only did it leave them alive, they kept me up all night talking.

   'tis the season to get trampled fa la la la la la la la la

   MMA would be way better if it was two people who'd never been in a fight before and done zero training.

   It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year

   Seeing people in the grocery store and talking to them and they pretend they don't know you...well played, mom...well played.

   Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. Everyone I told swore they wouldn't tell anyone else