Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My "happy place" has nothing to do with geography and everything to do with anatomy.

   You guys are like my stuffed animals that I would line up on my bed and have conversations with when I was little.

   Shake weight...if shaking and tugging like that makes you so buff like that guy on T.V. Should not all males look like this....just saying..?

   It takes me about 5 hours to fully wake up in the morning

   Anyone that starts a sentenct with "Not to brag but" is about to brag.

   To save money, the other networks should just shut down tonight.

   Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos.

   Men use love to get sex, Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.

   Introverts like to have fun too, we just don't care if you know.

   The police raid Jareds house where he confesses that he never liked Subway sandwiches in the first place.

   Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."

   I am calmer than Johnny Depp in a casting audition for a Tim Burton film.

   I think this midget prostitute is really selling herself short.

   so is anybody in the bathroom,drinking wine out of a red solo cup, hiding from the family yet?

   So... how many broken bones and broken nails have ya got on Black Friday? Are you satisfied with your brand new TV that you saved 20 bucks on?

   I finally stopped believing. Journey is going to be so pissed at me.

   If you're cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?

   Annoyed kitty, touchy kitty, grouchy ball of fur. Moody kitty, grumpy kitty, grrr, grrr, grrr....

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.

   What's with all these diaper companies.... I have tried three brands so far... The bag clearly says 12 to 14 pounds..... Folks I am here to tell you, not one brand held over 10 pounds before we had to change them.... Talk about a mess!!!!