Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PRIVACY NOTICE: Warning - any person and/or institution and/or Agent .... oh hell... If I really gave a sh#t, I/you would not even be on Facebook.

   Why is it a "12-pack" and not a "jury of your beers"?

   f all of your pics are taken from from an overhead angle, I have to presume you have a big hairy mole on the bottom of your chin.

   Today's forecast: expect to see everyone's pictures of the triple digit temperatures inside their cars as it bakes in the sun BEFORE the A/C is turned on!

   I woke up on the wrong side of the society.

   I didn't realize this pizza delivery tracker app had a "I dropped your pizza but scooped it back up and placed it in the box" indicator.

   My "happy place" has nothing to do with geography and everything to do with anatomy.

   You guys are like my stuffed animals that I would line up on my bed and have conversations with when I was little.

   Shake weight...if shaking and tugging like that makes you so buff like that guy on T.V. Should not all males look like this....just saying..?

   It takes me about 5 hours to fully wake up in the morning

   Anyone that starts a sentenct with "Not to brag but" is about to brag.

   To save money, the other networks should just shut down tonight.

   Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos.

   Men use love to get sex, Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.

   Introverts like to have fun too, we just don't care if you know.

   The police raid Jareds house where he confesses that he never liked Subway sandwiches in the first place.

   Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."

   I am calmer than Johnny Depp in a casting audition for a Tim Burton film.

   I think this midget prostitute is really selling herself short.

   so is anybody in the bathroom,drinking wine out of a red solo cup, hiding from the family yet?