Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am writing a 360 page book...I'm making progress...I already have all the page numbers done

   totally against selling babies for beer, but teenagers that's another story.

   The way my luck runs, if I were hanging on to the side of a cliff for dear life, the person reaching down to pull me up would be a leper.

   Just sprayed my wife with Axe body spray. Now I'm just waiting for a bunch of hot chicks to come rip her clothes off like on those commercials.

   Why does it seem like I need a machete, a jack hammer, and Jaws of life nearby everytime I need to remove a childs toy from it's packaging

   I'll baffle them with brilliance, then I'll let you talk.

   doc told me to walk around the block everyday. I'm gonna set a lego in the floor & be back in 5 seconds

   I decided to eat healthier at dinner so I'm eating two bananas.. Is it too crazy if it feels weird that they don't come with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup... and a side of french fries? :(

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better.

   BEFORE MARRIAGE: Saturday Night Fever AFTER: Monday Night Football

   Can't wait for my rent decrease!!!! Will it take effect as soon as the polls close, or will I have to wait until Jimmy is sworn in?

   likes to sit in the waiting area at the pharmacy, on my cell phone, telling my friend about the contagious rash I have that's covering 90% of my body and how the doctor's can't find a medicine that will work!!!

   im not procrastinating, I just dont want to fing do it!!!

   When someone asks you if these jeans make their butt look big...apparently "I don't know let me jog around back there and take a look" is the response you should give if you want things thrown at your head...

   Until you called me I couldn't remember the last time I wanted somebody's fingers to break so badly.

   Just got the best massage with happy ending at the new TSA Spa at JFK Airport.

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   this salad would really benefit from more bacon and less of this green stuff.

   They say you can lure more flies with honey than vinegar.... I guess, "a dead turtle" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

   Wishes I came from a country where blacking out while listening to you, was an honor.