Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An email virus caused millions of dollars in damages to home computers around the world this week. Time for some pay back...lets all punch a Nerd in the face!

   I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.

   How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on..

   Deal of the century: Iceland took billions of Euros from the EU, and instead of paying them back in cash, they are returning them with ASH.

   Reminder: Buy low and sell high... Unless it's Pot... Then you're buying and selling high...

   I'm not a fan of drama but I know a lot of people running for club president.

   I am writing a 360 page book...I'm making progress...I already have all the page numbers done

   totally against selling babies for beer, but teenagers that's another story.

   The way my luck runs, if I were hanging on to the side of a cliff for dear life, the person reaching down to pull me up would be a leper.

   Just sprayed my wife with Axe body spray. Now I'm just waiting for a bunch of hot chicks to come rip her clothes off like on those commercials.

   Why does it seem like I need a machete, a jack hammer, and Jaws of life nearby everytime I need to remove a childs toy from it's packaging

   I'll baffle them with brilliance, then I'll let you talk.

   doc told me to walk around the block everyday. I'm gonna set a lego in the floor & be back in 5 seconds

   I decided to eat healthier at dinner so I'm eating two bananas.. Is it too crazy if it feels weird that they don't come with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup... and a side of french fries? :(

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better.

   BEFORE MARRIAGE: Saturday Night Fever AFTER: Monday Night Football

   Can't wait for my rent decrease!!!! Will it take effect as soon as the polls close, or will I have to wait until Jimmy is sworn in?

   likes to sit in the waiting area at the pharmacy, on my cell phone, telling my friend about the contagious rash I have that's covering 90% of my body and how the doctor's can't find a medicine that will work!!!

   im not procrastinating, I just dont want to fing do it!!!

   When someone asks you if these jeans make their butt look big...apparently "I don't know let me jog around back there and take a look" is the response you should give if you want things thrown at your head...