Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So theres a new college fraternity for sluts called Alpha Kenny Body.

   KFC want you to buy a Bucket of obesity and heart attack inducing food for Breast Cancer? COME ON SON!!

   The secret is Victoria is actually Victor!!!

   Love me or hate me its still an obsession...

   ~ Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin, it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.~

   over the years has realized that marriage is like a hand of poker, you start with a pair and end up with a full house...

   I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.

   coming to the realization that it takes a lot of balls to learn how to play golf

   I have a friend who's a homicide detective. His business card says, "Our day begins, when yours ends."

   it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   Sky-diving: good til the last drop.

   don't take to heart anything I say. My opinions are just that...MY opinions. Nothing I say can be set in stone, besides I don't even own a chisel.

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "Dibs!"...

   I want to date a girl with an accent. Well....maybe just a really slow girl that sounds like she has an accent. I'm not picky:)

   If Superman is so smart, why is his underwear on the outside?

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   Im starting a "stop breeding ugly children boycott" in front of the hospitals

   There is no regulation for the use of foul language in my office. You better f*cking believe I abuse the hell out of that sh*t.