Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.

   coming to the realization that it takes a lot of balls to learn how to play golf

   I have a friend who's a homicide detective. His business card says, "Our day begins, when yours ends."

   it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   Sky-diving: good til the last drop.

   don't take to heart anything I say. My opinions are just that...MY opinions. Nothing I say can be set in stone, besides I don't even own a chisel.

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "Dibs!"...

   I want to date a girl with an accent. Well....maybe just a really slow girl that sounds like she has an accent. I'm not picky:)

   If Superman is so smart, why is his underwear on the outside?

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   Im starting a "stop breeding ugly children boycott" in front of the hospitals

   There is no regulation for the use of foul language in my office. You better f*cking believe I abuse the hell out of that sh*t.

   An email virus caused millions of dollars in damages to home computers around the world this week. Time for some pay back...lets all punch a Nerd in the face!

   I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.

   How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on..

   Deal of the century: Iceland took billions of Euros from the EU, and instead of paying them back in cash, they are returning them with ASH.

   Reminder: Buy low and sell high... Unless it's Pot... Then you're buying and selling high...

   I'm not a fan of drama but I know a lot of people running for club president.