Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America. Even when we lose, we still win..... USA!!

   on the toilet pretending to be a fighter pilot dropping bombs into the ocean!

   the police is looking for a suspect describes as sexy, beautiful, intelligent, funny & great in bed. You're safe, but where the hell will I hide??

   gathering Kardashians to throw at you.

   Witnessing such a massive destruction in Japan, and so many lives taken in seconds should make us think about how fragile we are. We are but little specks !

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."

   I buy an ipad and steve jobs dies, I buy a blackberry and bbm dies. I have just bought Justin Bieber's album... Fingers crossed

   its beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

   Ladies: If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't

   You know we're on the right track when the American nation trust Russia .... More than they trust the Democrat Party.

   Why name hurricane gay names, like Sandy? How about Hurricane Death Megatron 300 And I guarantee people will be evacuating like they need to.

   Sometimes I feel sorry for God.... He's a single parent and all his children are jerks who think they know it all.

   Women get really mad if you put your d*ck in their mouth when they're applying mascara.

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed, Not my fault they don't have Windows...

   Syria has been bombing Turkey for a few days now. "We're probably next!" a frightened chicken cries.

   I couldn't finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: "do you want a box for that ?" I responded " no , but i'll arm wrestle you for it "

   It's snowing in East London at the moment...First white thing I've seen all day.

   you know you were raised Catholic if... while watching Star Wars you hear "may the force be with you" and you respond "and also with you".

   I just saw that Harry Potter movie. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?

   Tiger Woods and Toyota should team up for a comeback and their moto should be "I swear we can stop!"