Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.

   Face your damn problems. Don't Facebook your problems.

   i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passed out. when you wish upon a star...

   I just read the "100 things to do before you die" list.... I'm kinda surprised that "call 911" didn't make the cut.

   The way your kid acts in public is a reflection of you as a parent.

   I ate too much Taco Bell......and ended up Islaming in my pants.

   We couldn't afford to go to "SeaWorld",, So I took the kids to the fish market,, and it went like this.. Kids: Dad,, why aren't the fish moving? Me: Shhh,,,, the fish are sleeping.. Kids: But,,They're breaded ?Me: that's their blankie..

   If a lesbian c0ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   I'm hungry. Fridge: I don't give a s#it. Cabinet: Bi$ch, don't look at me. Freezer: LOL. You like ice?

   Pro life tip: I've found the best way to avoid my life ending from a police officer is to continue being white.

   My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.

   Kyle Busch's face looks like he is trying to hold in a poop.

   It's costing taxpayers $85 million to send out census reminders...BRILLIANT!

   Just to be on the safe side, people should probably stop wearing hoodies, and also be white.

   Letting your date use your phone charger, even though you're at 25%, is the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a puddle.

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   thought he had Swine Flu....it turns out he was just really bored

   "sniffing glue, going to the zoo, gonna free all the kangaroos. Suck it Dr. Seuss!"

   fresh out of witty sarcasm

   Beer $10. Weed $20. Condoms. $2.75. Finding out she swallows & has no gag reflex....Priceless!!!! F*** MasterCard, it pays to Discover