Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so glad to see Selena Gomez has finally gone straight!

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   He said: Am I the first man to sleep in your bed? She said: Well... if you actually fall asleep then yes.

   my wife got mad at me because I ate all six Klondike bars, but it's only obvious that she wasn't willing to do what it took to get one ;)

   If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.

   Time to turn this beer into urine...

   My life is everything I don't tell you.

   There's no premature ejaculation, the truth is that women arrive late everywhere!

   I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

   I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.

   Lance Armstrong probably still has both balls too.

   If you're skinny already why the heck are you trying to diet ? What are you trying to lose ? Your life ?

   I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

   I would kill to see Rihanna go against Tyra Banks on a head butting contest

   I know what you did for a Klondike bar, and you are gross.

   I'm not allowed to text and drive, but this officer can run my plates and talk on the phone simultaneously. I should brake-check him.

   ᵀʰᵉ ʷᵒʳᵈˢ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᶦˢ ˢᵉᶰᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵃʳᵉ ʳᵉᵃᶫᶫʸ ˢᵐᵃᶫᶫ⋅

   Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push!

   i hope Boeing makes Romney a special plane with his windows that go down....its gonna be the short plane

   America was not shutdown properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without corrupt politicians? (Recommended)