Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MY wife use to be afraid of the dark..then she saw me naked now she's afraid of the light..

   That panic moment when she asks, "is it in?" when it has been in for the past minute. FML

   Marriage; the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy a license.

   I wonder if Tom from Myspace ever gets lonely and browses Facebook for friends.

   I ask Google the questions I'm too scared to ask other people.

   I'm aging like a fine wine ... which is to say, I'm building up pressure and about to become uncorked!

   I just heard Alicia Silverstone had a son and named it Bear Blu. Now I wonder if it's mere coincidence that she starred in Clueless.

   I always use the self-checkout lane to avoid being embarrassed when my card is declined.

   The later it gets at night, the funnier everything is. When you're laughing at nothing...it's time to go to bed.

   Really disappointed that Disney on Ice has nothing to do with liquor. Anyone want some stupid show tickets?

   Bought jelly, peanut butter and bread. Made a PBJ sandwich. I love it when a plans comes together.

   If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?"

   You know you've made wonderful choices in life when you're proud of yourself for not being drunk before lunch.

   The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.

   thinks.... if he where have heard, even 10 years ago..."I google it and then facebook you the answer since I don't do tweets"... I would haved asked you what kind of drugs you were on...

   I would rather soak my berry's in maple syrup and sit on an ant hill than diddle Arnold Swartzenegger's baby momma!

   You don't just turn your swag on, you either got it or you don't.

   that awkward moment when you hold the door for someone and you're left standing there for an eternity because they move at a turtle's pace.

   When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

   The roast of Donald Trump wouldve been alot funnier with Greg Giraldo mixed in there I loved his jokes on the previous ones.... R.I.P Greg