Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear woman behind the counter at CVS: I want to thank you for snickering when I was buying tampons for my wife, it made the situation just a little more akward!

   When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

   My cat must have eaten an entire Reggae band, the darn thing keeps hoiking up dreadlocks!

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   I've got to quit sleeping with the news on all night. I woke up this morning thinking I had just saved the world from terrorists.

   I found a case of Natty Light on the floor of a random aisle in the grocery store. After I returned it to the coolers, I felt like I did my good deed for the day.

   I need a conclusion that excludes you.

   Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

   Ever try to take a Barbie out of it's packaging??? What, is she going to escape? Is she into bondage?

   my friend told me he just got a new walk-in shower so I had to ask, how the hell did you get in it before?

   just read that Alice in Wonderland is rated PG due in part to 'a smoking caterpillar.' I, for one, am so sick of movies glamorizing caterpillars.

   just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

   Ummm.....there's a reason they are called "skinny jeans".......

   My New Year's Resolution for 2014: Lift the X Wing out of the swamp with just my mind.

   Anything that ends up in my backseat should accept that it will be there forever

   Paul Walker dies in a car crash and the snake handling preacher dies from a snake bite. If I was Miley Cyrus I wouldn't go around any construction sites

   The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “Damn That’s how I want you to do it.”

   You are the birthday card with no money in it of people.

   ATMs should require you to pass a breathalyzer before you can make a withdrawal after midnight

   I find it ironic that I watched the movie "jobs" (about the creator of Apple) on my HP computer running windows 8.1..