Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Hey, smell this.” -Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

   The best thing about wanting a chameleon as a pet is that you may already have one.

   Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.

   A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

   Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?” Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

   Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

   The CDC says you should start using your turn signals.

   being an adult is staring at medium screens all day to come home and stare at a little screen while a big screen is on in the background

   On the internet, you have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than a trip to WebMD!

   Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?

   What's going on!?!? I thought it was a guarantee that Jared would bring peace to the middle east?????

   The price of great success is the greater fear of losing it all in the end.

   idk why people get paranoid about getting a chip put in them someday. ...lays & pringles have been putting chips in me for years

   I should be ashamed of my behaviour. Just to be clear, I should be, but I'm not.

   How to tell if someone is fully vaccinated? Scan their chip.

   Now trading toilet paper for gasoline.

   Are there any voters who still think electing Biden was a good thing?

   Women aren't panicking about the gas shortage...they've been riding around on E all the time.

   Does Jimmy Biden or Joe Carter have the better ring to it?

   Whenever someone says, “A word to the wise,” I assume it to be my dismissal from the conversation.