Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us? 
I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.
When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."
Plan to change the air in your tires soon. Replace that winter air in your tires for best inflation during summer months. Most mechanics will do this for you for free on April 1st.
If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.
I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.
Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have
Pokemon GO has done more for child obesity in the last 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past 8 years.
Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.
I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness
Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.
Gary Johnson is now claiming he can see Aleppo from Sarah Palin's porch.
did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was bacon
Props to Jon Bon Jovi for continuing to keep up with the hairstyles of women his age.
Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.
The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"
All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??
My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet... 