Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

   I came up with a new drinking game. Watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and every time Goofy says “Gorsh!” take a swig. I give it five minutes before you black out.

   ‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’ ~dogs in therapy

   My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

   It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

   I still giggle when I get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as I am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

   My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

   Interesting Fact: Tuesday Weld was not named after the second day of the week. Because if she was, her name would be "Monday Weld."

   I'm surprised McAfee & Norton didn't get a piece of the vaccine action.

   Fred Flintstone: Hey, was that an insult? Gazoo: Well, if the shoe fits... Barney Rubble: What's a shoe?

   I'm not sure who needs to hear this but Walmart sells Father's Day cards in packs of five.

   China claims covid came from an old bat, but Pelosi denies being involved.

   Believe in yourselves and follow your hearts and you could do and be anyone you want to be, except Keith Richards.

   Kisses are like real estate …. Location Location Location

   How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.

   Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

   I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three. –me on house hunters

   My brain is like a greenhouse, it has a terrible groundskeeper.

   "The sum of the carrots are inversely proportional to the squared exponent of the cabbage divided by the vinegar and multiplied by the mayonnaise." ~Cole's Law

   Calories? I think you mean delicious points!