Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe if you tried educating yourself as much as you try getting those abs people will like you more.

   When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.

   Sometimes I touch your avatar inappropriately

   You can tell its a Sunday when Facebook erupts in regret.

   Google has found that Ouija boards are one of this year's most popular toys. You know, because it wasn't bad enough dealing with your LIVING relatives...

   "Daddy, what happens when you die?" "You get married and have kids"

   Screw it..... I'm just gonna say that these are " Mother's Day" lights now..... *lazy Christmas light owners...

   sometimes I wonder why I hate people, then I remember, that's the plan.

   Putting a 60 mph sign on a Mass. highway is really just a waste of metal

   I'm lucky if I can get into my own pants.

   I'm going to hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.

   Thankfully, my Guardian Angel gets Hazardous Duty pay.

   "PLAY FREE BIRD!" -Me, drunk, at the Symphony

   How To Prepare Tofu: Step 1. Throw it in the trash. Step 2. Grill some meat.

   I find it ironic that Valentines Day is abbreviated as VD

   I got so high once that I had to turn down the tv because I couldn't taste my grilled cheese.

   I got drunk last night and decided to do my own taxes. I'm getting back 4 million dollars this year!!!

   Dear Pringles, I'm no longer a child and cannot fit my hand inside your tubes of deliciousness. Sincerely, Everyone over 8 years old.

   We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?

   My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in two weeks.