Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm like a kid in the candy store when I shop for my x-mas presents at the liquor store.

   I almost got into a car accident, but luckily no one saw me hit the other car

   Hopes being pregnant gives Kim kardashian the incentive to stay with a man for more than 72 days

   this girl I'm seeing on the side must think I'm a weatherman 'cause she keeps asking if the coast is clear...

   Want to hate any song in less than ten seconds? Just set it as your alarm for 5:30 in the morning.

   My Dad told me all the kinds of girls I should stay away from. I think my Dad overestimates my options.

   You know it's true love when you ask her what she is thinking about and she says "SEX" and you reply "Me too".

   Should it bother me how happy my husband gets after my meds kicks in? I actually hear him thankin god for psycho pills!

   If you don't have anything nice to say, feel free to come sit with me and we can make fun of people together.

   Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me

   My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I'm Just Napping

   I wish FB would charge to create a profile so there wouldn't be so many dumb ass profiles...

   Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.

   I'm a pair of skinny jeans short of a mid life crisis

   I'm happily married. - People who are new to Facebook.

   If I was Adam, the world would still have 2 people cause Eve would've friendzoned me :(

   Gee. And I thought twerking was short for Networking. That explains all the dirty looks I got at last week's staff meeting.

   Have you ever noticed that farts are always blamed on ugly people.

   How to spot single girls: If you hit on her and a man beats you, she has a boyfriend. If you hit her and she pepper sprays you, she's single.

   WANTED: A meaningful overnight relationship.