Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it

   Uh oh. Wikipedia is going black that means it's never coming back.

   You Basic women need to stop blaming every man for what your basic ass Ex did.

   I hate when I shout the wrong answer out in class with confidence

   Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

   The key to successful relationships is not to start any.

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your petville request, I could buy the Los Angeles Zoo..

   A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

   Dear Waldo: Bite me. Go find yourself.

   Vodka..helping ugly girls get laid since since the 1700's

   It rubs the iPad on its skin or else it gets the Kindle again.

   (Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet)- Theres Always That One Lil Bird That Likes To Hang Right Outside My Bedroom Window At Aprox 5am -(Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet)- Like Doesnt He Have a Worm To Go Catch or Maybe a Car To Sh!t On????

   There should be breathalyzers installed in phones and facebook, that read "cannot text, call, or update status while under the infulence"

   I know a girl that's had so many guys that CSI refer to her as "DNA storage unit"...

   There is talk of the Royal Wedding being broadcast in 3D. The United Kingdom should start preparing the world now for Charles's ears.

   's words to live by: Treat everyone you meet with dignity and respect but always have a plan to kill them.

   Celebrating black history month by not pulling my pants up.

   Everything is made in China except for babies... they're made in VaChina.

   Justin Bieber: hey dad I just had my first time having sex.... Dad: really?? thats awesome son!! any questions?? Justin Bieber: yeah, when will my ass stop hurting?? Dad:.........

   Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.