Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mmm... caffeine pills. The midnight snack of champions

   zombie proofing the house today.

   When I say, "Hold that thought," it's just a polite way of saying I'm not interested.

   I've never seen a shark throw up. That might be something.

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   It isn't until all's been said and done that you actually realize all you should have said and done.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?...me neither...

   Dear Tom Cruise: Life is what you make of it. Not what you make believe of it

   When people say "don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful" you shouldn't answer with "Don't worry, I have plenty of other reasons to hate you."

   ...When she walked away her ass looked like 2 midgets fighting under a blanket.

   If I joined Earth, Wind & Fire, I think the element I'd want to be is Surprise.

   "You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's the other way around."

   pities the fool

   "If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new "I did not have sεx with that woman, Monica Lewinski" Only difference is now millions and millions of Americans are being taken advantage of by a sneaky guy in the Oval Office ...

   I tried to play uno with my mexican friend's but they kept stealing the green cards

   i got pulled over tonight and the officer asked if i'd been drinking. I replied "why do I have a fat chic in the car"?

   Happy Fathers Day, mom!!! :D

   I wish the GOP had gone after Obama the way they're going after Trump.

   Tomorrow I am going to dig up and open the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. Cannot wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!

   Got my first real sex dream, I was 5 at the time. Played it till my fingers bled. It was the summer of 69.