Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   zombie proofing the house today.

   When I say, "Hold that thought," it's just a polite way of saying I'm not interested.

   I've never seen a shark throw up. That might be something.

   Dear Santa, could you please tell me the meaning of "GOOD"? I'm a little confused of which list I'm on.......

   Predicting the future is easy, no one can prove that you're wrong.

   behind every successful woman there is a satisfied man but behind a satified woman there is an exhausted man

   My god some people would join anything... I mean if they had a cause for taking a dump in centeral park , I am sure there would be some takers!!!

   I just noticed that I walked around all morning with a ball point pen in my shirt pocket WITHOUT the cap on...think I finally earned the right for my 'Thug Life' tattoo...

   The things that come to those that wait, may only be the things left behind by those who got there first....

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   It isn't until all's been said and done that you actually realize all you should have said and done.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?...me neither...

   Dear Tom Cruise: Life is what you make of it. Not what you make believe of it

   When people say "don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful" you shouldn't answer with "Don't worry, I have plenty of other reasons to hate you."

   ...When she walked away her ass looked like 2 midgets fighting under a blanket.

   If I joined Earth, Wind & Fire, I think the element I'd want to be is Surprise.

   "You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's the other way around."

   pities the fool

   "If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new "I did not have sεx with that woman, Monica Lewinski" Only difference is now millions and millions of Americans are being taken advantage of by a sneaky guy in the Oval Office ...

   I tried to play uno with my mexican friend's but they kept stealing the green cards