Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I have decided to wear my goody-two shoes. Yes, they are uncomfortable and NO, you can not borrow them...

   You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

   fighting crime at the source...i'm donating to Planned Parenthood.

   To all those who look down on me; I'm tearin' down your balcony.

   You've only got three choices in life: Give up, give in, or give it all you've got.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving..

   Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.

   trying to think of a new year's resolution that she will remember for the whole year

   Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

   you can't expect dumb people to do smart things

   Feel free to kiss my third point of contact.

   has lowered his expectations to the point where they've already been met.

   Dear Santa, could you please tell me the meaning of "GOOD"? I'm a little confused of which list I'm on.......

   Predicting the future is easy, no one can prove that you're wrong.

   behind every successful woman there is a satisfied man but behind a satified woman there is an exhausted man

   My god some people would join anything... I mean if they had a cause for taking a dump in centeral park , I am sure there would be some takers!!!

   I just noticed that I walked around all morning with a ball point pen in my shirt pocket WITHOUT the cap on...think I finally earned the right for my 'Thug Life' tattoo...

   The things that come to those that wait, may only be the things left behind by those who got there first....

   I once posed nude for a magazine... but the clerk still asked if I'd be paying with cash or credit.

   I totally think that I am following the A-Team's van right now, I am just waiting for things to just explode around us to confirm, this could be epic