Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Microsoft bought skype for 8.5 billion dollars ... Idiots !!!! They could have downloaded it for freee !!

   Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don't want to see flying at my face.

   ~Hint to the obvious~ If a fan page or group requires you to invite all your friends on your friend list, it will not do what it promises, unless it promises to piss off your friends.

   ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?

   hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

   I am very suspicious about joggers. It seems as if they are always the ones who find the bodies.

   Haters are like crickets, you can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet. 

   better yet ... we shoulda just captured bin Laden .... tied him to the tallest pole, atop the highest mountain .... and flown a plane into him.

   just ate from an unmarked tupperware container at the back of the fridge. I think it was chicken yogurt.

   Don't you just hate those people that just stroll across the street like they are so important/cool and have no consideration for anybody else? I'm changing the sound of my horn to gunfire.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.

   The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.

   Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.

   my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   : Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....

   What do you say when an atheist sneezes...?

   dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...